Weetabix

November 21, 2009

Meta meta-ness

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 9:20 pm

You can almost hear the Wooooooo

So many of you have either commented or e-mailed that you want to come to Weetacon (March 5-7, 2010!) and see what it’s all about (and let’s face it, could there BE a cheaper readymade weekend getaway? Plus, I defy you to walk out of Weetacon without having made at least one amazing new bff) but are freaked out by a) meeting a bunch of new people who seem to all know each other already b) seeming like an internet stalker c) how cold it is in Green Bay in March and d) the fact that you don’t know anyone there. Trust me, guys, we’ve all been there. And yes, I absolutely know that it’s kind of unnerving and very “first day of a new school and what if I don’t have anyone to sit with at lunch” to walk into a room full of strangers, but I promise you that we take our new folks and press them into our collective bosom to the point that I sometimes worry that they think we’re a creepy cult of Pineapple Fluff (it does seem that way at times, but that’s just because everyone is just so enthusiastic about what is a weekend filled with amazing people, hilarious new experiences and a lot of butter-soaked carbs). In fact, in effort to help answer questions about the weekend, we thought we’d break the cyber barrier and have some actual authentic voice-to-voice communication before the big weekend. What a freaking radical idea.

So here’s the dealio, my little Weetacon-curious friends, below is a series of several conference calls to help answer questions, give more detail and make that oh-so-important leap from us being pretend friends on the internet. I’m going to attend all of the calls, and have asked several Weetacon alums to join (including people who were first timers last year) so that you can ask questions and get acquainted with a few people so that you will at least have a feel for the personalities behind the Weetacon bio pages.

I can host up to 96 people at one time, so even if you don’t plan on joining us in March, you can just lurk in the background and eavesdrop. I honestly don’t care! In fact, you can think of it as an extended metaphor. Besides, if no one asks any questions about Weetacon, maybe we’ll start talking about all the dirt that we’re not allowed to publish on the internet.


The conference call schedule to discuss your trip to Green Bay and any questions you may have about Weetacon 2010:

  • Saturday December 5, 4-5 pm CST
      Number: (641) 715-3630 (Note: this is an Iowa area code, so use a cell phone with free long distance)
      Participant Access Code: 960765#

    • Topic: So tell me why I should come to Weetacon exactly? (Alternate Topic: We promise not to steal your kidney and leave you in a bathtub full of ice)
    • Weetacon Veterans on the call: Trance Jen, Melinda, Susan, Weetabix
      , Plain Jane.
  • Thursday, January 28th, 7-8 pm CST
      Number: (641) 715-3630
      Participant Access Code: 960765#

    • Topic: All of my friends think I’m crazy for going to Wisconsin in the winter/going to an internet gathering!
    • Weetacon Veterans on the call: Fredlet, Suzanna, Sarah, Weetabix
  • Saturday, February 20, 4-5:30 pm CST
      Number: (641) 715-3630
      Participant Access Code: 960765#

    • Topic: Oh my god, how many sweaters should I bring? No seriously, I’m freaking out whenever I look at that weather map on the back of USA Today. Why is Green Bay violet, y’all! I’m going to die, aren’t I?
    • Weetacon Veterans on the call: Mary, Corinna, Michael, Weetabix

Hope to hear your voice next weekend!

Don't even ask

November 1, 2009

All Saint’s, All Excuses

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 7:54 pm

My favorite flower guy

Where did all of my promises of updating more frequently get me? Where? Where I ask you? Nowhere. I don’t know what my deal is. I’ve heard that lots of long-time bloggers (or as we were once called, online diarists/dinosaurs) go through weird periods of non-blogging. I suspect it comes down to a question of the perfect reader: the best writers always have to figure out their ideal reader and once they figure it out, they have it made. Sofia Coppolla (see, I’m totally obsessed) basically makes movies for her friends. I don’t know who I write for anymore. That’s probably why the other thing I’m doing has kind of stalled. Oh, it’s still in my head, in that I’m kind of always in that world even when I’m on conference calls or making impossibly elaborate spreadsheet efficiency tools (oh my god, sometimes I can’t believe my life has come down to being irritated that Excel only allows for three colors in conditional formatting but seriously, Microsoft, give a girl a break), I’m still thinking about sharks and contagious brain disorders and hippies. But when it comes to making words fill up a white box on a computer, frozen. Frozen. I miss my ideal reader.

Here are some things I could write this entry about:

  • Fall. You guys love the fall stuff. I love the fall stuff. There was just a whole lot of fall stuff that happened, and it was all so beautiful that it felt like the biggest sin ever to do anything other than drive around the countryside with our mouths agape, just soaking in all of the gorgeous leafy goodness.
  • Rehab. This really needs its own entry, because damn, y’all. Damn. You can read about Trance Jen’s experience over on her site, and I think everyone else is playing their cards close to the vest. Apparently we’re feeling a bit protective of our dorky little fun weekends these days and figure that if you wanted to know, you’d get off your ass and go. Maybe that’s just me (because man, am I a bitch). Also, I think everyone now has a crush on Minneapolis.
  • My inherent and sometimes ill-advised blind faith in technology: Iowa. That’s all I can really say right now is that I almost ended up in Iowa before I realized that my GPS had been possessed by Satan. IOWA.
  • My gut has issues and hurts sometimes. I’m probably not dying.
  • Consequently, I’m losing weight, or so I’ve been assured by June, who is probably just trying to make me feel better about looking like I constantly have a gut ache.
  • My job. Wait, I don’t talk about that here. Ever. EVER.
  • My hatred of Old Navy and why I keep going back like the crack whore that I am for cheap sweaters.

Instead, here’s what I AM going to talk about:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I know that I wasn’t sure if there was going to be a Weetacon 2010 after my little unplanned sabbatical from work, but it’s now official: Weetacon 2010 will be held on March 5-7, 2010. There’s lots of information here and we’ll be holding conference calls to cover questions and concerns that newcomers may have regarding Weetacon (or really, so that you can get to know a few people on the phone first before you decide if you really want to hang out with us all weekend).  Also, we have a theme and a subtitle for this year’s event: Technology and L33tacon! We’ll be celebrating everything that brings us together, and also, hopefully learning a few things or five along the way. It’s not all binge drinking, despite what the photos would lead you to believe.

Also, it’s November 1st, which means a very special thing near and dear to many readers of this site. Yes, that’s right, it’s Holiday Card Exchange time!

Can I get a woo woo?

So, here’s the drill on the Holiday Card Exchange: We have a little collective of Holiday Card Enthusiasts who like to send and receive cards at the end of each year, so many that we have split up into two groups so that people could decide whether they wanted to send/receive to only half the list or do the Full Monty. If you want to play along, you fill out this form with your information before November 20th, and then you wait for me to send you the final list. Then you get busy writing and sealing and stamping your cards (the number of which will be dependent upon how many people sign up in total and whether you’ve agreed to do one exchange or both. Each exchange will be no more than 40 people total and since you can add, you know that if you opted to do both exchanges, you’d be sending/receiving 78 cards, since you wouldn’t send two cards to yourself). Any questions? Hit me up in the comments!

In other news, I really have to get this site situated. It’s been like four months since the Russian hackers kicked me in the pants, it’s probably time for this site to put its big boy pants back on.

Until then, I will leave you with one of the Rehab party questions, to answer in the comments:

Which would you rather have, a butler, a maid or a chauffeur?

And why. Don’t forget the why. You’d think it was a simple question, but man, it’s more emotional than you would ever believe.

October 14, 2009

Paging Nora Ephron: give me my movie deal, bitch!

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 10:06 pm

One of the things that has changed between my pre- and post-sabbatical work routine, aside from the obvious (being mentally engaged 100% of the time for instance and also, being mentally occupied 100% of the time, two sides of a very lugubrious coin) is that I have definitely stepped up the efforts in my wardrobe. Ok, I wasn’t exactly a slouch before, but while before I would have shied away from wearing any of my bazillion dresses for fear that I’d have to field snide comments about interviewing from my former boss, I now wear dresses at least once a week, if not more often. It’s fun, this dressing up, thanks in large part to the fact that I also have the opportunity to work from home at least once a week, so can temper the heels and accessorizing with the fact that I usually am wearing yoga pants (the millennial version of the jogging pant) and working sans makeup the very next day.

I’ve also been trying to push out of my comfort zone, fashion-wise. I tend to wear very non-descript Wisconsinized versions of my ideal outfits, just in effort to avoid the attitude, but I’ve decided to fuck that noise and just play with clothes. Life is too short to waste the closet space on things I only wear out of state.

Last week, I had a bit of inspiration: I had recently purchased the same version of a kimono dress from Old Navy in two colors (black and purple), so I removed the purple belt on the purple one and wore it with the black one, thereby cheaply replicating the spirit of this Kiyonna dress that I’m too cheap to buy. Then, because I’m trying to allow myself to Be Quirky! with fashion (a more difficult prescription than one would think, as I kind of disdain the Quirky) or more importantly, dress as I would if I were thin (worthy of a blog post all on its own), I threw on a pair of purple tights. Purple tights! With a black dress! I KNOW! It’s totally the kind of thing that I would love on someone else, but never do myself. Look at the little sprout, how she has grown.

Apparently because I looked so cute, the universe decided that I needed to star in my very own Romantic Comedy. Enter the wacky hijinx.

The cuteness lasted approximately 45 seconds out of the door as I somehow managed to snag a fist-sized hole in the thigh of my tights when I opened the car door. Hookay. They were up high enough that they were above the hem of my dress, so I ran back into the house, figuring I could stop it with some nail polish rather than abandon the whole look with boring black tights. Smart, yes? But oh no, sadly, my four million bottles of clear nail polish were NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. Aha, but maybe I could swap out and instead try some Malaga Wine, which was approximately the same color as the tights?

This is where the wacky music would start in the Rom Com. Right here.

Now, this might have worked had I actually taken off the tights to apply the fix, but alas, I did not. I dabbed and daubed and then fanned and the holes and subsequent runs were stopped.  Woohoo! Tragedy averted!

I jumped in the car, blazed through Sbux, because at this point I was late, and then, leaving the drive through, apparently the top was not on my cup and apparently (APPARENTLY) the cup holder was not situated correctly and voila, my coffee ended up on the leg that had already received the scrape, holes and fingernail polish treatment. Has my right leg not suffered enough!??!

I tried to look on the bright side. After all, the universe can only throw so much bad luck at you, and clearly I had gotten through all of mine before 7:30 am. Right? RIGHT!?Well, mostly.

Walking into the office, I caught my reflection in the glass doors. Still cute, still totally pulled together, except for the GAPING PALE CIRCLE ON MY THIGH. Ah, so it was lower than I thought and you could totally see it when I walked. Brilliant. I would just get through the day without making a lot of trips around the office. Except that the second I sat down, blammo, GIANT WHITE CIRCLE in a field of deep purple.

And the kicker? The splotches of burgundy nail polish had also stained my legs. And were very visible through the tights, giving the appearance of gigantic red welts. I was the corporate version of Amy Winehouse, except instead of a heroin addiction, I’m woefully addicted to Mint Three Musketeers.

At some point, you just have to give up and decide that you are doomed. At lunch I went to the fat girl boutique and got some boring, black tights, through which the Malaga Wine nail polish faux bruises were only visible to the very discerning eye.

This is why I’m never going to get a job with Anna Wintour, right there.

October 4, 2009

steamed windows

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 7:33 pm

I have been creeped out by the Old Navy mannequins for the last year. At first I thought it was the vaguely unnerving plotlines or maybe the strange accents used for the voiceovers, but I realized what was leaving me so unsettled today: it’s not that they don’t move, but rather, they don’t move when you’re looking at them. When the camera cuts away, they have always moved and are again frozen.

They’re the fucking Blink angels. In polar fleece.

Shudder.

***

This weekend was one of those weekends when the clock seemed to slow down, as is practically never the case. Even now, I’m writing this at 6:30 on Sunday and it seems as though today has just lingered on and on. Friday night we did not much of anything: caught up on the Tivo and then watched the first two episodes of “Bored to Death” (verdict: I love it, Esteban isn’t wooed quite yet but is willing to watch it again), during which Esteban remarked that Jason Schwartzman looked weirdly like Nicholas Cage, and I explained that I wasn’t surprised, since they were both Coppolla’s, and then had to explain my unnatural obsession with the Coppolla clan. And then went into the fridge to get a snack and some wine and realized that the only bottle chilling was a bottle of Sofia and then decided that what I really wanted was water. Plain old fucking water.

On Saturday, I woke up unnaturally early, even earlier than I normally set my alarm during the work week, and knew right away that there would be no hope of going back to sleep, so I woke Esteban and told him I was going to the Farmer’s Market and he groaned, swung out of bed, and said he’d join me if I’d wait for him to get out of the shower. We packed up the pup and headed downtown, where the chilly morning and the scattered rain was keeping almost everyone away, including the vendors. Actually, we had an actual and proper frost during the week, including reports of snow far too south than is proper for late September, so I think most of the crops were either lost or sold at the mid-week market (which we also attended, although bought nothing more than goat cheese curds and a pseudo-power bar situation that really was like a peanut butter cookie covered in fudge frosting…mmmm, glorious denial). The sparse market and the fact that it started to rain harder just as we pulled up caused Esteban to opt to hang out in the car with the heated seats while I indulged in my crazy. That’s fine, mister! I get to be more farmer’s market crazy if he’s not there to rein me in anyway. I ended up with two bags of mushrooms (oyster and shitake), a fistful of lemongrass (FOR A DOLLAR), a bag of Royal plums (have been hankering to make a plum tart), a bag of Cortlant apples (ditto on warm applesauce), some of the Crack caramel corn, and some delicious Irish cheddar and untested Manchego from the cheese monger (I didn’t take my weekly wedge of Humboldt Fog, as I still had one untouched in the cheese drawer) and probably something else, but my memory grows dim in my declining years. Something like that.

After that, we hit Sbux, where the barissta asked us if we knew whether the farmer’s market was still going on (apparently we are extremely well known at Sbux, so much so that Esteban tried to be nice and bring me some hot tea on a Work From Home day and the barisstas gave him iced and insisted that it was the right order because I NEVER order hot tea. Which is correct. I never do. But it was 38 degrees outside, so cut the guy some slack.), then we went to what I now think of as “the Good Church Rummage Sale”. It is good because it is amazing. Seriously amazing. When Mopie lived her, she got a bunch of stuff for her apartment there, and it’s also the place that I got my enamelware-top table that’s in my kitchen (that Esteban depises, but I love so very much), as well as an antique camera for a dollar. I love the Good Church Rummage Sale more than is reasonable or just, because apparently all of the old people who go to said Good Church are in the process of decluttering their houses and sending the most amazing stuff to the rummage sale. I could pretty much die, and we were there right when it opened and it was, again, glorious. I believe that I twittered that I would like to come back as a packrat in my next life, because oh my god, the stuff. The STUFF! Esteban had urged me to practice restraint, and believe me I did, to the point that I wasn’t even going to take a completely pristine, never used bar set that would very much be at home in an executive’s bar at Sterling-Cooper. It was six dollars. Still shiny. I doubt it had ever been used. Six DOLLARS. I let it sit there while I made my rounds, scoring a bunch of awesome vintage games for Weetacon (can you say Operation races? Synchronized Twister!?), another tiered chrome stand that complements but does not match my other two (I am broken when it comes to tiered plates, people) and a little vintage Eames-y glass cannister that is narrow enough to fit in our medicine cabinet to hold my eyeshadows (which are annoying even me). I was going to make another round when I spied another antique camera sitting on the table and actually squeaked and then wanted to shove old ladies out of my way to get to it. Esteban found me there, still lingering over the Don Draper bar set, and he agreed that it was amazing. I regretfully admitted that we didn’t have any room for it, not one place in our house that it would be at home, and yet, Esteban said to take it, so I did, even though it defies all of my intents and attempts to declutter the house.

I have a weakness and it is mid-century modern.

Esteban did not come away completely empty-handed, as he had spied a garment steamer, similar to the one he bought me (that has been plagued with persnickety issues) for like four million dollars a few years ago. This one was bigger, had a nicer hose (SNORT!) and was five bucks. I agreed that it was a good gamble to find out if it worked, and if it didn’t, we could pitch it. We left having spent $16.50, and were accosted by someone in the parking lot who had wanted the steamer but apparently they wouldn’t let him hold whatever big item he was trying to put on hold, so he had missed out, but tried to gloat that he got a very cool looking professional shoe shiner. Oooh, we’re all lucky that I hadn’t known what the hell that thing was, because mid-century AND having to do with shoes?! Damn.

We hung out at home for a bit, doing housework and generally flailing our arms about in glee that we had an entire weekend free from plans. Esteban wanted to swing by Titletown, where they were having some kind of German festival to celebrate the tapping of their Octoberfest beer, plus he really wanted to try the new beer. I was happy because mmm… red cabbage. Seriously, I cannot think of a German food that I do not like. Meh, maybe rye bread with carraway.  In fact, all carraway can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.  We got to their “bier garten”, where the polka band was just setting up, and had lunch. Esteban said the beer was surprisingly hoppy, and then got to dork out about brewing with the brewmaster, talking about their various hops growing experiments (our garage has been sacrificed to Esteban’s passion for beermaking, with hops growing up the outer wall) while I chilled out, ate spiesbraten and drank their homemade Sno-Cap rootbeer, which is delicious.

After lunch, we went home to get the pup and then drove to Appleton, which we’ve now decided has the best dog park for small dogs in a 50 mile radius. Yes, we’ve done copious trials and testings. The bonus is that it was the final meeting of the pug lovers association in the area, which meant crazy people who like to dress up their dogs.

Yes, I have become one of them.

I’m sorry, but if you have a pug, I’m pretty sure that it’s in the constitution that you must dress it up. Either that or pugs appeal to people who like to humiliate their animals. I don’t know, but Aveline was a shark and she was very very popular. Esteban said that I had a “dog-gasm” whenever a new pug appeared in costume. But seriously, people: pugs dress up day! Best day ever!

It was a very cool afternoon (mid 50’s) so Ave spent 90 minutes straight running around playing with other grunty friends, with the whole park echoing in raspy, asthmatic grunts. At one point, she had a stick and there were five other pugs chasing her. She’s not used to being the fastest dog in a pack, and she seemed to relish the attention. Bitch is a bit of a diva, what can I say?

We headed homeward, mostly because I had only brought a hoodie and also, didn’t want to pee in a portapotty that probably hadn’t been emptied since it was set up in spring. We kept Ave up, despite the fact that she really really really really wanted to nap, for about an hour because we had plans to leave and wanted her to spend her time in the crate sleeping rather than being irritated. Yes, the dog owns us. If we had to put the cat in a crate, I doubt that we’d ever leave the house.

I had it in my craw that I wanted to go to a drive in movie since last weekend. The local drive in (and by “local” I mean one that is 34 miles from our house) had kind of a lousy selection last week, but this weekend was showing The Time Traveler’s Wife and also Halloween. Esteban didn’t want to see the first movie and abjectly refused the second, so we looked at the other local drive in, which is up the Door about 75 miles away. We both didn’t mind seeing either feature, so I packed up some snacks, a blanket and a pillow and we loaded up the truck (because you can’t snuggle in the Murano… another failing) and headed east.

It was a gorgeous drive. The gloomy day wasn’t allowing for the typical Wisconsin light show with the autumn colors but even in the diffused light, it was amazing. I saw at least eight incidents of deer grazing in the pastures and wooded areas, and more hawks and angles of geese than you would believe. It doesn’t hurt that the Door penninsula is absolutely breaktaking. The air was crisp, red apples were weighing down the branches in the orchards and it was just the kind of night where you want to turn up your collar and breathe deeply the smells of wet leaves and smoke and just the slightest suggestion of snow.

We got to the drive in shortly after the gates opened and I went into the old snack house and ordered a pizza, a bucket of popcorn (with real butter, something you only get at independent theatres), a soda and a box of Dots. Total bill? $17. Plus, we paid what constitutes matinee prices to get in. Insanity! I did bring a few snacks along, things that were not replicating what was available at the snack shack, things like grapes and Humboldt Fog and a bottle of Layer Cake Cabernet Sauvignon, which was totally illegal to have inside the truck and you know what? I don’t care. It went very nice with the pizza and if there are any law enforcement personnel reading this, we drank it outside the vehicle.

I had totally forgotten how much nicer it was to see a movie at a drive in. You see, I kind of hate people. I hate crowds. I don’t like being too close to strangers. It’s not something that affects my daily life, but it does put me on edge a bit in crowded places where you have to be close to other people, places like restaurants, airplanes and movie theatres. And I’ve just come to accept the anxiety and my inability to relax as part of the price of admission, but at a drive in?! Holy hannah, I have none of that because I’m protected by the sanctum of my car! I can just roll up the windows and they are out there and I’m in here and it’s all good. Plus, at the drive in, you don’t have anyone sitting behind you, kicking your seat. Well, no one you couldn’t turn around and punch back, anyway.

We only watched the first movie (Julie and Julia, the former sections being a little unsatisfying but the latter being amazing and well worth the movie ticket) and the second wasn’t so compelling (Inglourious Basterds, or however you misspell that) that we wanted to postpone the 75 mile drive back home. It was the right decision, as Esteban felt a cold coming on within seconds of the first film’s credits and was in full on pitiful mode by the time we were halfway home. Similarly, I held it together until about 10 miles out of town and then could hardly keep my eyes open any longer.  We were both very grateful to do the nightly household closedown rituals (take the dog outside, check the doors, appease Jincy, etc) and then go to bed, with promises of sleeping in on Sunday.

A promise we kept.

September 28, 2009

Aaaaand we’re back…..again

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 10:39 am

Peekaboo

OMG. That’s the best way that I can describe last Wednesday.

“OMG”

Yes, I recognize how broken it is that I am now reduced to Textese and that by very nature of all I hold dear in regards to words and language and the simple poetry of every day speech, but when some aggressive asshats on the other side of the world are determined to break my damned website not once, not twice, but dozens of times over two months and when we* finally figure out a way to get around it, by doing a frame-y fake out on the site, they find a way to burst through that defense and go completely shit ape** and install a MOTHERFUCKING VIRUS so that whenever users loaded the page, some nasty ass thing started raping their PCs via their browsers.

When that happens, what you say is “OMG”.

So yeah, we’re back. Hi.

If you were unfortunate enough to visit the page on 9/23, please update your Anti-Virus program and run the hell out of it. Also, run Ad-aware, Spybot Search and Destroy and… hmmm… basically everything. Run everything. And I’m sorry that this site had this problem.

On a side note, if you have a website and you use FTP to upload files or have other people upload files, then your site is vulnerable when, say, they surf onto a website and get this nasty little bug which then uses the FTP password they have saved in their FTP program to access YOUR site and upload all kinds of assy things. So you might want to change all of your FTP passwords and control access like a maniac. (Note to people who have FTP logins to TMB, your passwords have been changed and you might want to give your PCs an extra vigorous scrubdown, if you know what I mean?)

To end on an up note, Weetacon Dot Com is up (thanks to the amazing design and coding skills of Ms. Pasta Queen) and mostly populated with lots of good stuff, and already we’re at 1/6 capacity for this March! It’s so funny  to think that when I planned the first one, that’s exactly how many people I thought would come.  What a world, what a world.

*By “we” I mean Fredlet, who is the only thing that has kept me sane through this entire experience. I am not joking when I say that I would have just hung up the freaking blog, or maybe gone back to D-land, had she not been steadily guiding our process and completely unflappable in the face of Russian assholes.

**Weet: …and that’s when Ave went completely shit ape!

Esteban: Shit ape? And that is…?

Weetabix: More aggressive than ‘ape shit’.

Esteban: But what is it exactly? Shit ape?

Weetabix: (Looking at him like he’s stupid)  Ape shit is the product. A known quantity. But if you have the actual ape that is so angry that it shits, then you have no idea what else is to come, just that it will be very bad.

September 16, 2009

Working it hard and long, aw yeah

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 5:59 pm

Krave boyz

For real, you guys, I think I’m becoming a workaholic. My new job actually takes up all of my brain power at all times and also, no matter how fast I work, I can never keep up, like a hamster on a wheel, but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I hit said wheel a little harder, a little faster, maybe just maybe I can get to a point where I’m caught up a little? You never catch up. You just get a faster version of “normal”.

I’m saying that because I’m sitting in a fly-infested Sbux in Appleton listening to someone try to sell investment ideas to someone else who has only now for the first time started talking in over an hour (for real, I thought the guy was talking on the phone until I glanced behind me), and it would be marginally enjoyable except that the only reason I’m here is to check into work email before going to pottery class and was relieved to see that the meeting that was scheduled between 5:30-6:30 pm tonight (!!!) has been rescheduled to tomorrow so now I have more time to catch up. And then I realized how very very wrong that was and decided to pointedly update my blog instead of working. Except that now I’m writing about work. Fuck.

(That’s why you get the above picture, because it was one of very few that happened to be on my work computer. That’s  (oh crap, I’ve forgotten his name… I suck, but one of my girls will tell me, I’m sure) our personal love slave server when we went clubbing in Vegas last month. The best part about What’sHisFace? He told me that if I saw someone in the non-VIP area of the club, I could just point him or her out and then the personnel would GO FETCH THEM for me. Just like that. So of course, I had to try it, and of course, it worked. Your stock totally goes up when you’re doing the rock star thing up righteous.)

I breezed over it, but pottery is starting up again and I’m signing up for another class. I was luke warm about the idea of giving over one of my weeknights to making mud pies, but when I reserved my spot in the class last week, afterwards I found myself actually doing a fist pump. It’s so silly that I enjoy it so much, even when you look at the misshapen lumps that I’ve been trying to foist onto my friends and family. It’s not like I’m going into the advanced class either, I’m essentially just paying the Pottery Dude money to sit in his studio and use his very expensive stuff and then get my pottery cooked in his kilns. I do this because I did the math and realized that in order to have any kind of pottery studio for myself, I’d have to invest like $5K, which is a fine thing to invest in something that I seemingly love, but I’d like to have a full year’s worth of potter-ing under my belt before I start going down the road to Crazy Craft Woman. Also, it seems a bit twisted to me that it took me ten years to finally get a first floor laundry and rescue myself from the scary basement stairs, only to create a pottery studio down there. Besides, the spiders have been left alone for months at this point, I’m sure that they’ve started a little spider city now that the bitch with the broom is leaving them alone.

Although quite honestly, this Sbux could use a few spiders. The flies, seriously, the flies. It’s not giving me warm fuzzies about the cleanliness of this joint.

God, seriously, I can’t believe it’s only been a month and a half since the Vegas rock star weekend but I’m staring on the date on that picture (June took that and her camera always has dates on it… so cute!). I think I need a vacation again. Also, apparently I have a bazillion vacation days to burn before the end of the year, since I’ve barely touched them since my sabbatical (and I came back with my motherlode of vacation intact). I may have to take a generic week off and just work on my long-ignored To Do list. I miss that stupid thing.

I gave myself half an hour to type and now it’s up. Next entry, I promise to have at least one of the following: continuity, humor, content, a picture that makes sense.

September 8, 2009

I squinch your lips

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 9:31 pm

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You guys already know I’m a shameless product whore. You would seriously not believe the products in our house, and I’m not even talking about the ones I got for review when I used to write for the product blog. I just can’t resist fun little brands and tubes and unguents and the hope that maybe they will fix my pitiful complexion, stunt my voracious mustache growth or maintain the “two shades darker than natural” shade of brunette that I prefer.

This OCD-like obsession with stopping time harmless little hobby has given me a crapton of knowledge that makes me an apprentice in the cosmetic industry but is completely useless in the real world. I can wax poetic for hours (or blog inches) about the best way to deal with undereye circles or wrangle that unruly sebum that is turning your nose into an Exxon spill before 10 am. I know the best body butters, eye goops and moisturizers and will rank them by price point. But in truth, I’m a little selfish about my favorite finds, and in fact, I tend to go quiet when it gets harder to locate them. I’m fully aware of how cult products get started and damn, their little price points just tend to skyrocket when that happens.

Take for instance my current favorite: a very emollient lip stain that is nothing but shea butter and moisturizers and basically acts like a fancy version of Chapstick but also has the benefit of looking good on any skin tone and just natural enough after the shine wears off that maybe you aren’t wearing anything at all, in fact, maybe that rosebud pout is one God intended for you from birth? You just don’t know.

I bought this stuff last year in California and have been wearing it obsessively ever since. It’s perfection: totally appropriate for work, completely casual at the Farmer’s Market in the morning, and yet, pretty enough when applied thick (see photo) that I never want to go back to sticky glosses or annoying lip stains that wear off unevenly again. No. This is it. I have found my love. It’s as much as a higher-end lipstick, but since I’ve had it for an entire year and have used it practically every day, I’m totally feeling justified that I have a winner.

This photo is courtesy of the always awesome Mopie, one of very few people who manage to catch me being totally natural and weirdly not self-conscious.

I made the mistake of sharing the brand with June. June has a very different skin tone and was fascinated that it felt like lip butter, but looked totally different on her than it did on me. I swear, it’s like it somehow takes your natural lip color and turns up the volume a little. June was smart (well, because she’s June): she went right to the website and ordered two immediately, despite kind of offputting shipping and handling. I held off, figuring that I’d certainly be in a million cities that would have it between now and then. And of course, I was right: I’ve been to Chicago and LA and Las Vegas and Chicago again and Chicago another time and Washington DC and Las Vegas again and either I didn’t have time to search it out or the place was closed because it was the 4th of July or the damned boutique had sold out.

I’m now down to the shaft, only half of the point even visible. I’m going to be scrapping my lips on plastic in a few days, and then I’ll have to start gouging it out with my fingernail.

I’m in pain, y’all. Pain.

Here’s the thing: it’s become one of those damned cult things again. The website is out of everything. EVERYTHING. I keep repeatedly refreshing the site, hoping that their availability will increase. And yet nothing. NOTHING.

Here’s the thing: I normally have my shit together, especially when a problem is as simple as punching in a credit card number and having a box full of happiness delivered via UPS in 5-7 business days. I’ve literally had the stuff in my virtual shopping cart (complete with some of their actual lipsticks, which are slightly better than MAC, but not as awesome as the stain), but have failed to follow through at least four times. Maybe more. I can blame the fact that I wasn’t spending money for about a year and viewed it as a frivolous expense, especially when I was on my sabbatical, but now? Now? I can totally justify this as an actual worthwhile purchase and have still dropped the ball. Damn.

You’ve undoubtedly noticed that I still haven’t told you which lip stain it is, right? Oh please, I still remember what happened with The Soap. The Soap, which hadn’t really been on anyone’s radar and then blammo, I raved about it and it had its own damned thread on Math+1. The Soap which quickly was completely sold out and whoopsie, that was the only US distributor and guess who was SOL? Me. Me with no Soap. Maybe I want to be selfish for just a bit longer?

All right, I can’t be cruel anymore. It’s Poppy King’s Medieval and it is amazing. And available again. I just had to stall you until I got my receipt from their automated system that guarantees my two tubes of Medieval will be on their way to my little greedy hands before I told you about it. Now go get yourself some.

On second thought, forget I even said anything.



September 7, 2009

belabored day

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 11:04 am

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In some ways, it seems as though our house is now “right” again with the presence of two pets. Jincy and Avi each fulfill individual needs that the other could not touch. I don’t really know how to quantify that: it would be easy to just say that Jincy is a snuggly soft face kisser who jumps on your shoulders when you stand at the magnifying mirror and pluck your eyebrows, while Ave is a snorting, trick-performing fart bomb that watches your every move and tilts her head in ways that we anthropomorophize are either confusion, derision or simply distraction. It’s not enough to say that Ave gets to go outside and ride in the car with us and either approve of or hate our friends (sorry Joe, we don’t get it either) while Jincy gets to go on tables and windowsills and stand on our shoulders while we sleep, watching over our dreams like a very adorable gargoyle. Maybe it’s just a question of Ave fulfilling that need to have something rely on you and maybe Jincy is just a million times more affectionate than any cat we’ve owned. It probably doesn’t hurt that they play together in ways that are both heartwarming and hilarious. You haven’t seen anything until you watch a seven-pound cat successfully pin a fifteen-pound dog.

This weekend, we purposely didn’t schedule anything (although my family has decided to get together for one of their patented uncomfortable/awkward attempts at going through the motions and is planning a half-hearted picnic today…damn it), although Esteban had the Making of the Beers for most of the day on Saturday. On Friday night, we did absolutely nothing, with the assumption that the mood would strike at some point. Finally at 8 pm, in a pique of wanting to salvage the evening, Esteban let me talk him into watching I Love You, Man, on the promise that it had Paul Rudd, who had starred in another film (Role Models) where I had successfully browbeaten him into watching. I don’t know why he gets so pissy about watching movies, in that he has to mentally prepare himself to devote the time, been coaxed and primed by the Hollywood machine. He doesn’t trust my judgment, which is fine, as I love movies that are admittedly trash, but seriously, dude, go out on a limb once in awhile. Alas, I Love You, Man was not as hilarious nor as charming as Role Models (nor did it have as many bare breasts), but it illicited several laughs out of the Captain (despite what I have now learned is his unreasonable dislike of Jason Segal) so it was deemed a successful evening.

The next morning, I woke up early for the farmer’s market, but apparently Esteban had been suffering from intense insomnia all night so begged off of tramping through the veggie stalls at an unreasonable hour so that he could try to catch some more zzzs before doing his Making of the Beers. I was fine with that, so took the dog with me so that she wouldn’t wake him up in her crate. Unfortunately, none of the local farmer’s markets allow dogs, but since it was a nippy 56 degrees outside, I didn’t worry about leaving Ave in the car with the windows and the sunroof open while I made my rounds. I ended up just getting some fresh cheese curds (still warm) and a few tiny plants for my terrarium project (more on that later). I hopped back in the car and then realized it was so early and without Esteban along, I didn’t have a time limit, so I had plenty of time to hop to Appleton and get a double hit for my insatiable farmer’s market jones.

I like the Appleton farmer’s market much better, I’m sorry to say. They seem to have more selection and the entire thing occupies much more square footage, even though I suspect it’s the same number of stalls. Because of the luxury of a very wide aisle (an actual city street, rather than between the rows of a parking lot), you get a much better look at what is at everyone’s stalls, plus they just have a better selection. To wit: the same damn cheese monger sets up stalls at both markets, but they had several wedges of Humboldt Fog at the Appleton market whereas they had a bunch of the same old boredom at the GB market. Also, there’s an actual goat cheese vendor at the Appleton market (who hits the GB mid-week evening market that I can never make it to due to work) that has amazing chevre but also, fresh goat cheese curds. GOAT CHEESE CURDS. They are, as one could imaging, heaven. I ended up with some sourdough ciabbata bread, a squash, some golden delicious apples, some natural pet treats, and said wedge of Humboldt Fog and some gorgonzola-stuffed green olives for June. I had scored some Humboldt Fog for our Real World Las Vegas house (I should probably write about that, but it’s hard to go back and do retrospective entries) and June absolutely loved it, and the closest I’ve ever seen it locally is Whole Foods in Milwaukee. I told the cheese monger that if she had Humboldt Fog at the GB market, I’d promise to be a loyal consumer and she said she’d tell the GB guy.

Since Ward and June’s house is on the way home from Appleton, I figured I’d swing by and drop off her goodies and say hi. I called them to see if I could stop by. Ave has had a respiratory infection and has been home from day care for the last two weeks, so their dog Cricket had been missing her bff something terrible. They were both crazy excited to see each other, and we sat down on their deck while the dogs chased each other around the yard. Esteban and I had had a suspicion that the extreme Fall weather had inspired Ward and June to start the process of shutting down the pool for winter, but apparently they had eked it out for the promise of a warm Labor Day weekend. Such was the case, as it was only 10 and already the temperatures were in the high sixties. June asked if I wanted to stay and hang out in the pool, which I hadn’t entirely planned on doing, but given that I’ve been in the pool practically zilch all summer and this being the probable last weekend, I ditched my plans to potter around the house and do the terrarium between laundry loads and offered to bring the dinner I was planning on cooking over there so that she wouldn’t have to cook. I just had to swing by the house and get the stuff. She suggested that I leave Aveline there so I rushed out and headed homeward, building the meal in my head. Had it just been Esteban and myself, we would have been good with my planned pulled pork sandwiches and perhaps some steamed corn, but since I was cooking for four, including people who actually eat more than four vegetables, I naturally started conflating the dinner plans in my head. This is my brain damage in action, right there.

With a firm course of action in place, I realized I still had plenty of time to swing by the farmer’s market again for some selective purchases. Oh my god, there is a reason that I get up at 6:30 to go, because at 11:00? It was like freaking Lollapalooza or something. There was nowhere to park, people were walking with zero regards to traffic around the place, there were four million strollers, it was insanity. I finally happened upon an ideal parking spot just as someone was pulling out, one that allowed me to only hit the end row where the rum cake lady was. Oh my god, these rum cakes are amazing, and I stopped buying them for just us, because we’re trying not to eat sugar, but meh, Labor day and whatnot, we could splurge a little. She only had a few of the big cakes available, so I tried her key lime version. I also snagged a red cabbage and some tiny yellow tomatoes that the proprietors swore were just like candy. Both of these purchases were in effort to replicate some of our experiences at the Real World Las Vegas house, where I had chanced upon these amazing little tomatoes at the grocery store that no one could stop eating, and also because we had had some amazing Maytag Bleu cheese cole slaw at Rosemary’s and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Since I would need bleu cheese, I stopped at the cheese monger and snagged some, and while I was checking out, I repeated my promise of buying Humboldt Fog if he would carry it here too, and he said that he’d have a wedge of it waiting for me every week. Of course now he’s going to hear about it from his partner at the Appleton market and now I’m going to feel obligated to buy it every week to make up for being such an annoying person. Ah well, there are worse problems to have than an abundance of Humboldt Fog.

I went home, pulled the pork out of the freezer, threw it into some warm water and the commenced to make up Esteban’s and June’s favorite pulled pork condiment, a Carolina-style vinegar-based sauce. The last time I made it, I just looked at three different recipes and made something up as I went along. It was pretty good, but Esteban declared it a touch too sweet, so this time I actually printed out a recipe so that I’d have the ratios right. I still ended up substituting everything, due to need or whim, but it was definitely tasting like a winner and I hoped that it wouldn’t get too crazy hot as it came together over the next few hours. I threw the ingredients for the cole slaw dressing into a jar, knowing that I could tweak as needed at June’s and then tossed all the makings for the pulled pork thing into our crock pot, topped with a still mostly frozen block of pork, then raced back over to Ward and June’s house.

Just as I was pulling into their driveway, my phone rang but the call seemed to drop when I answered it. I called back and got someone at my salon, telling me that I had missed my appointment. That was annoying on several points: first, part of their service involves a call to remind you of your appointment, and secondly, I had been there three days earlier and specifically asked if I had a facial appointment coming up and the girl behind the desk said that I hadn’t, and I was even confused, because I always schedule another appointment and also, my eyebrows were JACKED UP so I was certainly due. Also, the rando at the salon then told me that I HAD to come in for 2:30 or I’d get charged for the appointment anyway. Damn it.

I brought all of the stuff into the house, cranked the pork to high and hopped that it would be pullable in time for dinner, chopped cabbage for the cole slaw, whipped together the dressing with some sour cream so that it would be a little creamier without being mayonnaise-based like the stuff at Rosemary’s, and then explained that I simply had to go get a facial. HAD TO. You know, I don’t understand how people live with me without calling me nasty names right to my face because really. Really. And yet, it was so. Then I hung out, irritated, for the next 90 minutes until it was time to leave for this forced facial situation.

At the salon, however, everyone was stunned that whomever it was told me that I had to come in. Both my man Justin (the receptionist at the spa, who is like my best friend on the most shallow level imaginable) and my aestethician Em were horrified and said that no one should have ever told me that, as the policy exists for people who are not regulars, and I am apparently beyond regular. Ok then, but I was there anyway, so let’s get exfoliating, shall we? As it turned out, the rando who had answered the phone had jacked both Em’s and my day in one fell swoop, because she had been sitting around doing NOTHING in the interim while I was killing time before leaving for the salon. I apologized profusely several times, because seriously, I should keep track of my own fucking appointments like a big girl, but she rewarded me with an extra awesome facial just the same. And man, did I need it, because the job stress has done a serious number on my skin. I left vowing to be a better custodian of her careful ministrations, and went back to the parents where I could smell dinner even as I pulled into the driveway.

We had just enough time to get into the pool for an hour before dinner, so we floated around while Esteban slept with the pug in a deck chair. Dinner finally was ready! The coleslaw lended a crunchy texture, but eating it, I realized that the amazing thing at Rosemary’s was the way that they had basically somehow shredded the cabbage using the same grater that one would for, say, romano cheese, so you ended up with extremely thin strands of vegetables. I had done a rough chop, but it was still pretty tasty nonetheless. Next time, I’ll get all Top Chef on it, though, as I’m unsatisfied. The pork sandwiches were declared a hit, and June said the sauce was good last time, but amazing this time.  For dessert, there was the key lime rum cake, and I whipped together some cream and then felt bad that I had basically caused a dirty dish explosion in June’s house. June decided that it was the second-best dinner I had ever made for her (the best one being the one that I had made when Kevin and Melinda were here). I wouldn’t go as far as saying that, because it was honestly kind of cobbled together, but I’m glad that everyone seemed happy.

We took a very exhausted pug home to a very lonely cat and they roughed it up for a bit, and then we all crashed out by 8:30. The next morning, we woke up happy and well-rested. We went out for coffee and bagels, then went home to potter around the house. As the morning went on, we decided that we’d spend another day in the pool. The parents had lunch plans, but had told us that we were welcome to come over. We packed up the dog and as we drove, discussed lunch options, finally deciding that it would be easier to stash the dog for her midday nap in her crate at the parents’ and then go out for lunch at someplace that had actual tables and service. We ended up at a new restaurant in town, in the midst of a cold open, and the servers were all freshly brainwashed: We heard literally the same line delivered by four different people, clearly something that was scripted during their orientation, but as such, the service was brilliant and the food was pretty good. Sadly, it’s one of those Western themed places that feel the need to play Top 40 country music, leading me to bemoan the fact that Texans listen to other kinds of music too. Y’Alternative much? How about a little Old 97’s or maybe even Patrick Park? It’s hard to enjoy a steak when you have to dig through all that twang.

After lunch, we went back to the parents’, where we were greeted by both dogs. This was not another case of Avi Houdini, though, as the parents had returned from their lunch and were out in the pool. We quickly joined them and spent the next four hours floating and playing, a low point being when Esteban managed to send a fart bubble into my open hand as I lay on the floaty with my eyes closed. Nice one.

As it got late, I finally succumbed to my bladder and got out of the pool. Once I dry off enough to walk through the house, I prefer to just ditch the wet stuff and get into dry clothes, and we were all semi-exhausted from all the sun and the fresh air. We went home and I crawled into bed, supposedly to nap, but ended up reading the end of one of those quintessential garbagey vampire books. The latest Sookie Stackhouse, if you must know… tv series are totally a gateway drug to pulp reading for me, because last summer was all about Gossip Girl. However, even my brain is ready for the leaves to change colors as I instinctively reached for one of my serious books (All Saints by Professor Dreamy) when I closed the cover on Bon Temps. I purposely read low brow material to give my brain a break, if only for the delicious moment when you sink back into something extraordinary and your brain suddenly goes “Oh, what’s this? WHAT’S THIS! Did they mean… could that have meant… oh it very much did.” and then you feel yourself settle in for an enjoyable ride that is not necessarily driven by plot, where language matters just as much as who did what to whom. Its as enjoyable as that first splash of scarlet in a sugar maple, I tell you what.

As I was finishing the final page, Esteban came in, respectfully waited, and then asked if I wanted to go over to Scotty Boom Boom’s for beers and a fire, as he already loaded chairs into the truck. I agreed, but probably wouldn’t want to stay very long, since I hadn’t actually napped. I insisted on taking the dog, since she’d been napping in her crate while I had been reading and I didn’t want to leave her in there for another three hours (yes, we are the pets’ bitches), and said that I’d bail if anyone objected. Scotty started a fire, the night was amazing, and eventually there were marshmallows and smores. It was a good evening. I came home around 11, and the dog was so exhausted (between playing and swimming (yes, she swims and in fact, demands to be in the pool, preferrably as pug commodore on the blue floaty) and then protecting Scotty’s yard from his neighbors, the Al Queda) that she literally ran full bore into the bedroom and jumped into her crate. Game over, ma’am, now put my sheet over the door and let me get some sleep! I‘m a lousy pug mom sometimes. And yes, I just LOLDogged.

This is why I never catch up on my blogging, because to talk about 2.5 days, it took 3160 words. Note to self: edit. EDIT. Sigh.

August 27, 2009

I want to fire my car

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 6:44 am

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I’m going to warn you right now, this is going to be boring as hell, unless you really like talking about cars.

It’s official: my Nissan Murano is now the most annoying vehicle that I’ve ever owned. This is quite a feat when you consider the vehicles I’ve driven in my illustrious two decades (holy shit I’m old) as a driver.

For instance, I started with a red 1976 Chevy Monza that looked, in the immortal words of my beloved, like a “red colostomy bag” and during its 30k miles in my service, required something like three times its purchase price ($800) in repairs until it managed to completely shit the bed at 82K miles and was sold to some rando from the neighborhood for $75. During the most famous Monza meltdown, I had broken down about thirty miles away from my college town (and 230 miles from GB) in November, forced to walk up a lumber road to find a phone and yet, the guy I was dating grudgingly agreed to come and get me but made me wait until he finished cooking and eating a box of macaroni & cheese, which necessitated his prompt kick to the curb, heralding the beginning of the Esteban Epoch.

I probably would have continued to pour cash into the Monza but Esteban hated the car so fiercely that he bought me a $550 1984 Nissan Sentra as bribery (what, we were 20 and broke). The Sentra was a great little car, in that it had a reasonably satisfactory radio and allegedly had air-conditioning. Esteban had gotten a great deal on the car because the driver’s door had been crunched in an accident, but he bought another door at a junk yard and did amateur auto painting to match the original steel blue mist. Well, it matched, but the gloss top coat wasn’t exactly factory Nissan, so depending on how you viewed the car, the door was either darker or lighter than the rest of the body. This became a non-issue later when some thieves broke the window on the passenger side door, and since the previous attempt at reseating the driver’s window had been such a pain, and the car was such a beater that Esteban just slapped another junkyard door on it and didn’t bother to go through with the motions of trying to match the color. The brown passenger door on a blue body gave the car a somewhat vaudevillian air. The Sentra was a monster of a worker, though, despite the fact that the carburetor was going out, sometimes the car would start fine and then when you had gotten just far enough away from wherever you were leaving that it would be annoying to walk back, it would stall. I learned to carry a small can of gasoline which I would then pour directly into the carburetor so that I could prime the well, so to speak. This was a good workaround, until one time the stupid thing caught on fire with my 80-year-old great grandmother in the front seat. The fuel pump also gave out in the coldest day in November, stranding me in another town, requiring another walk down a lonely road to a phone, although this time Ward dropped what he was doing right away to drive the 40 miles to fetch my frozen ass. The car also started losing various little semblances of sanity: for instance, the driver’s seat broke at one point, meaning that whenever you stopped the car, you would find yourself falling backwards into the lap of the poor sucker who happened to be sitting behind you. And did I mention that it was a fucking stick shift? Which meant that at the end of a hard night working whatever shit job I had at the time, I then had to perform a series of coordinated hand and foot gestures to appease the persnickety clutch. Even with all of this, we still view that car as one of the best we ever owned, as it was amazing in the snow, got incredible gas mileage, was oddly roomy (five very tall people with no problems) and at the end of its four-year tenure with us, we sold it for a clean $500.

Then there was the white Pontiac 6000 that was anointed with cat pee on Tilly’s inaugural voyage and then smelled like cat pee for the next two years, despite several professional car detailings and an entire weekend with a deionizer (or some magic No-Pee-Smell machine) running at full speed (we solved the problem by trading in the car for Esteban’s Chevy truck). That was followed by the black Pontiac 6000, the previous owner of which had apparently needed to drive up and down gravel roads at high speeds, absolutely pitting the corners and edges of the car with paint chips and deterioration and much to my chagrin, was built like a tank and was still running perfectly when we drove it to the junk yard after letting it sit untouched in our driveway for three years (probably more annoying than the six months I spent driving it with a shitty muffler and no stereo).  Then there was the Monte Carlo but that was hardly a speck of irritation, as its only annoyances were the fourteen foot long doors and its association with NASCAR.

But the Murano has beaten them all. It’s got a lot of little irritations, things that you would never notice on a test drive. For instance, the passenger seat doesn’t have all of the bells and whistles that the driver’s seat has, but it’s also slightly less padded. It’s fine at first, but after about two hours in the car, you realize that you’re really fucking uncomfortable. It just sneaks up on you. I think that the angle of the seat is just wrong and there’s literally no way that you can fix it without the controls afforded to the driver’s side. Also, the Intel key is very cool, but the buttons are kind of flat on it, making them easy to accidentally press, a fact that plagues my husband who throws his key ring into his pocket and then accidentally sets off the alarm when he bends over to pick up something. Ok, that’s mildly humorous, but there’s another option on the Intel key too: if you hold down the Unlock button, it both unlocks the doors AND unrolls both the front windows, which is AWESOME when you walk outside after a rainstorm and realize that Esteban’s ass rolled the windows down again. Also, the angle of the doors are just a little bit weird, and we’re constantly hitting our heads when we get in and out of the car. Not a glancing bump, either, as both of us have nailed ourselves so badly that we’ve seen stars and once I thought I was going to have to take Esteban to the hospital with a concussion.

And then there’s the broke crap.

It’s the first brand new car I’ve ever owned, so maybe I have unreasonable expectations. I tend to think of cars almost like animals, and there are no bad cars, only bad owners.  When things went wrong on previous vehicles, I would always suspect that it had come from a bad home, hadn’t been properly trained, or maybe the guy who owned it before had been reefing on the steering wheel too much, or riding the brakes like an asshole. With my Murano, I know damned well that its problems are out of the blue. For instance, about six months after we bought the car, the driver’s window would go up, hit the top and then come back down. Of course, this happened in January. Then the driver’s seat started having mysterious rocking, and a panel came off. Then the cool little center console door broke, meaning that it’s always popped open, so the driver ends up jamming their arm on the side of the door instead of having a nice arm rest. And then there’s the gas bitchiness.

You see, the Murano is a size queen about gas pumps.

Some are too big. Some are too fast. Some are just fucking Shell stations, which won’t do at all. Sometimes you’re filling what you know is an empty tank and the Murano would say “Uh uh, I’ve had just enough of this shit right here” and pretend to be full at 4 gallons. I had given up and whenever possible, get gas from a full service place because Adam (yes, I know his name) knows how to stick it in right and how to deliver the payload (oh my god, that’s just too easy). But two weeks ago, the Murano had gotten into full gas meltdown mode and was puking back petrol every four or five ounces of gas. We took it to the dealer, where thank GOD we bought the extended warranty, and they explained to us that there are phalanges or something inside the gas tank and one of them probably needed to be replaced. Awesome. They did it up righteous and the Murano was accepting of any hose, Shell or not, for a beautiful two fills, and then the third time, had a complete meltdown again. This time the dealer wanted to replace the entire gas tank, as apparently there were more phalanges inside the tank to prevent sloshing? Something? I don’t know, I stopped listening. Meanwhile, the extended warranty place said “Oh bullshit you are.” and wanted to send someone over to look at the gas tank. Two days later, they realized that in order to see what was going on, they’d have to cut the original gas tank in half (requiring a replacement anyway), they gave up and approved the $1K repair. And that was on top of the repair for the stupid arm rest door thingy.

I will never buy a new car again. It was so expensive! And I’m going to be stuck driving it forever, because we assumed that we’d get so much more use out of it due to the fact that it had zero miles on it. Stupid stupid stupid! And that despite the fact that I KNOW that a car is the worst investment you can make because it’s nothing but depreciation and heart ache.

Now I totally understand why that Papa John’s guy put up the quarter of a million dollar bounty for his old gold and black Camaro, because I kind of wish I had that Nissan Sentra back right now. Maybe not with the weird ass doors, though.

August 26, 2009

Items the pug has been unnerved by in the last week

Filed under: Uncategorized — WendyBix @ 12:30 pm
  • A black garbage bag
  • A white garbage bag
  • An empty cup that once held a Starbucks Mocha Chip frappuchino (no whip, flat top)
  • My laptop bag
  • The Sham Wow commercial (Not the annoying dude, but rather the sound of the mister thing)
  • Esteban’s baseball cap
  • A dog toy/hand puppet that barks/sings “Bingo” and “It’s a Small World”, but only when I am holding it. It is considered awesome when unmanned.
  • Jincy, half concealed behind a curtain
  • A skirt drip drying on the shower rod (NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE)
  • Esteban’s baseball cap again
  • A new, non-stanky dog bed in her crate (we had to go back to the one that’s too small for her)
  • A mint-flavored dog treat that moved unexpectedly
  • A carry-on rolling style bag
  • A strappy sandal laying on its side (May have been a snake, you just don’t know)
  • The latest issue of Marie Claire
  • A garden hose
  • Same baseball cap
  • A pinecone
  • When the singer howls at the end of the opening credits of “True Blood”
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